you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
