All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
