exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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