I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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