He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
