i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
