I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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