come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
