im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
