i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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