I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
