I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
