so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
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The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
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Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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