WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
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We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
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I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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