Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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