He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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