I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
