i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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