How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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