Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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