Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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