I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
