Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
