It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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