We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
