there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
