Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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