The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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