When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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