Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
