She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
