Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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