I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
