My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
