I will die if light touches me.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Why is your signature on my underwear?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
