I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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