the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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