the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
