i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
