so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
