yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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