we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
