I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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