Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
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All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
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And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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