I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
