ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
