For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
