today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
