We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize