My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
