My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
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