I can tuck mytits in my pants
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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