Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
