drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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