you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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