On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Text me some of your sweat
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
