At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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