Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
