I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
