Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
